Ordered Chaos

Throughout my post-high-school career, I’ve been one to dabble. Whether I was changing my college major (11 times, that is), testing the waters of graduate school, or feeling out the corporate environment, I’ve become enamored with exploration. New information poses new challenges, even if only the challenge to learn a new set of vocabulary. So here I am now, in my latest endeavor, fully entrenched in the world of secondary education. Of course new vocabulary and a new set of skills have become necessary tools in my newfound practice of teaching. I’ve started to become familiar with a never-ending list of acronyms: NCTM, NCLB, ELL, IDEA, IEP, and AYP just to name a few. There is the “teacher look” that we’ve all encountered through our own faults as students – it’s the look that says it all without saying anything whatsoever.

But this challenge has touched my heart and scraped my soul in a way no previous undertaking has done. It’s shown me that my success in the classroom isn’t always directly proportional to the time I’ve spent preparing. It has taken my feeling of over-preparedness and allowed me to still fail at making clear a few academic points during a 42-minute lesson. I suppose that’s because the tools are only as good as the artist who uses them. And although skilled labor is a priceless commodity in our society, the most rewarding endeavors are the artistic ones. They are the ones that allow us to tap into our innermost fears and idealistic yearnings. They translate the words that lie deep in our minds and otherwise are lost to superficial activities. I’ve spent years dumbing down my dreams and making “realistic” decisions that, when put together, resemble nothing more than a more comfortable standard of living.

The wiser reader knows that money doesn’t buy happiness, even if it feels so on the surface. But what good is a wading pool when in my wildest dreams I’m doing swan dives from a 50 foot tower? I guess it will suffice if I never dive outside my dreams, but what I really need is depth and something to take this vision and make it real. My time is precious, and my endeavors should reflect that. We are more than what we eat. We are what we do and what we consider to be worth our time. I’ve chosen my battles in the past, and I’ve chosen wrong, but this, my friend, this is a worthy endeavor. My dream is to change the world, and all I need is a piece of chalk and 42 minutes. Everyday.

It’s been a little over a month since I last posted, and not much other than everything has happened. I’m now working two jobs and going to school full time, and that is proving to be quite difficult (and sometimes insanely goofy in an entertaining way). Seemingly always on the run, it takes a coercive effort to reflect on the meaningful experiences I’m having.

Starting with the new school year I’ve been working as a paraprofessional at a local high school. This has been at the same time both extremely grounding and fundamentally enriching. These teens, regardless of any behavior or social shortcomings, are all good kids. Sure, some of them don’t know it, but if I were in their shoes I’m not sure I’d know it either. Of course there are the stand-outs, the exceedingly smart overachievers that some teachers drool over, but they’ll excel no matter what, it’s just a question of degree.

My experience thus far has reinforced my calling to help the underachievers, those that struggle for whatever reason. Frankly I’m surprised that some of these kids show up, not because I think they’re destined for failure…I wouldn’t be going into education if I did. I’m surprised because, upon hearing some of the stories of their home lives, I’m completely floored by their resilience to show up everyday, even if they’re the kids that talk the entire period or snore during instruction.

As I delve deep into reflection, I find that I’m blessed with anchors. Anchors in this world that pin me to a fast-moving reality – a reality that’s both sad and empowering, but real nonetheless. I’ve now thrown over another anchor, and that’s my dedication to these teens and their deserved attention. Often people look to repeated failure as justification for surrender. That’s weak. And it’s a weakness powerful enough to crumble our society at its foundation. Unless, of course, we just keep trying. And trying. Standing still assures us that the rest of the world will pass by, that’s why we keep moving, if for no other reason than to keep up. Now if we could only run…

A beautiful occurrence has taken place! Yesterday I was welcomed back into the academic world with (hopefully) open arms. I feel like the prodigal son of…well, of I don’t know whom, I guess the state of Nebraska. I have started a year-long program to get my teaching certificate to teach high school math. I’m pretty sure what’s his face didn’t give his prodigal son homework on the first day, but there are no free lunches in the rush of summer school! That’s okay though, because I’m destined to be a life-long student.

For about two and a half years I’ve been corporate bound, more accurately described as a cube sloth. Before that I had a stint of graduate work at the medical center, but found research to be a lonely and unsatisfying life, especially since my true passion was in teaching. My craving for a “people” job turned into working for a small office of around 25 employees. They’re wonderful people, but it hasn’t filled my craving to work with people, not just among people. So, my wife Allison & I decided we’d grin & bear a year of the double-student household! I’m two days into it and still grinning, so I guess that’s a good sign. My wife isn’t grinning, but she’s 3 years deep in med school, so who can blame her?!?

Anyway, I’m excited to embark on this yearlong journey toward a profession that I wholeheartedly adore. I know teaching will present many challenges, and my goal this year, and each year I teach thereafter, is to remain focused on my idealistic “pretty picture” I’ve painted in my head of why I want to teach. If I can aim my efforts towards a more educated population, universal tolerance, and unconditional compassion, then I’ve done my job. Sure, there will be paperwork, angry parents, cliquey kids & annoying cell phones in class. But if idealism has such a weak foundation that it topples under these petty weights, then humanity has reached a sad milestone. Nevertheless, I believe in the potential of every child to learn and to progress intellectually, socially, and physically.

So I’ll be a mere math teacher, so what? We all know it’s not just about math. It’s about numbers. It’s about logic. It’s about critical thinking, cause and effect, decisions and consequences. It’s about looking at a situation and being able to assess its nature, current state, and inevitable outcome. It’s really just about life, and that is what I hope to teach.

I’m going to close this with a toast to my future students: May you be forever empowered to achieve far greater goals than I, and may those outcomes fill your hearts with humble optimism for future generations.

Cheers.